On Top of the World ….Oh wait

So here I am, 7 terminator sessions in and 2 Chemo sessions.

The first Chemo session went fairly well.  No harsh side effects.  A little nausea. A little tired.  But I was still able to function.  I was eating like a horse – couldnt eat enough.  2 Breakfasts being the norm.

I sat in the Oncologists’s room just before my second session telling her how great I feel.  I was on top of the world.  Is this all it was about I asked.  I was told that the chemo wasnt too bad and it wouldnt get too much worse.  I felt quite upbeat about it all and finally was finding some strength to deal with it all.

Then I had my second session.

Realised at my session that I had lost alomost 3kg’s in the week.  Not that I’m complaning.  Losing weight while eating like a pig – what could be better.

Went out for dinner with some friends that night and realised I couldnt stand for more than 2 minutes without wanting to pass out.  Yes, the Chemo has lowered my blood pressure.  And as I usually have low blood pressure, it was making me feel weak.

Then the following 3 days being what I had dreaded.

  • Rapid weight loss – think I’ve lost just over 4,5kg’s in total (10 days)
  • Low blood pressure
  • Fatigue – I’m tired but don’t want to sleep.  I just can’t get up and do anything
  • Loss of appetite – forcing myself to eat.  I have no desire to eat but am forcing myself as I know I need the energy.
  • Loss of Focus – I can’t focus on anything.  I have a passing interest only in things.
  • Preggy brain – Lost half my vocabulary
  • Nausea – Not too drastic but it is there.  Being taking to anti-nausea pills failthfully but it doesnt make much difference.

All I want to do it lay on the bed.

I don’t want to talk to anyone.  I don’t want to see anyone.

I’m not down, I’m not depressed.  But everything I do requries a HUGE amount of effort.  Will I be spending the next 5 weeks like this?

 

 

The Final Countdown

My treatment starts tomorrow.  Still can’t believe I have cancer!

I’ve had to look in the mirror a few times and actually tell myself I have it.

Why!  Why me!  How did I get it?  I can ask a thousand questions but none of them will help.  So reality sets in.   And I have to deal with it.

I have my special cream ready  R1 and R2.  R1 I apply directly after the radiation treatment each day – it is a cooling gel.  I let that soak in for 20 minutes then I apply R2- a sort of moisturising cream which I apply a few times a day.

r1r2-cream

My first radiation treatment was supposed to start at 7.10am tomorrow and the chemo treatment at 9.  I received a call from the scheduling lady today asking for the radiation treatment to be delayed to 3.15pm.  So I have resheduled the chemo treatment to 11.45.

Was looking forward to a relaxed romantic dinner with my boyfriend tonight.  He was going to cook for me and we were to share a bottle of wine.  (I would have just had a sip!) But sadly other priorities came up and the mood is not right. So it is a night which is not so relaxed and I feel I just want to sit down and cry.

Tomorrow is another day.  I have no doubt I will have my treatment and all will be fine in the universe.  I will live to tell the tale.  And hey, it will be one less treatment I will need to have.

So to all of you – have a glass of wine tonight in my honour and keep me in your throughts.

 

 

 

People do this Voluntarily I ask

I can’t imagine why anyone would want to have their teeth removed voluntarily.

I can understand that you need to have Maxillofacial Doctors to help repair your jaw / mouth etc if you happen to go through some form of trauama.  But this is not something you should be able to choose to do.

I regret being talked into it by the various experts.

I’ve feel like I’ve been in a very traumatic accident.  Almost beaten to death.  My body is trying to repair itself.  My mouth is trying to heel.  But most of all this hurt my mojo.

I am on the mend.  A few more days of bruises.

 

Lost my Mojo

Day 2 after my mouth surgery

Am in no pain but feel very uncomfortable still.  Face still very swollen and bruised. BUTCHERS!

Should have gone to work today – but I work in a very dusty environment and am worried about infection, so decided to stay home.  That and the fact that my bed was so comforting this morning.  Couldn’t find the will power to get up.  This is not me.

I did some paperwork.  Half-heartedly.  More shuffling and putting things aside for others to do.  I want to work / have to work.  But can’t find the mojo to actually deal with anything.

Trying to move apartments too – desperatly want to move but again have not got the inclination to actually do anything.  That and the fact that there are things I can’t do myself.  Curtain rails to hang and the like.

This is just temporary.  I know it.  Tomorrow will be better.  Perhaps I need to stop the pain meds.  Never a big fan of them and they are probably whats bringing me down.

Called my daughter-in-law,  shes coming to take me out for awhile.  Perhaps a light lunch – a soup perhaps!

 

No Sympathy Required.

Hello dear world

This post is written by a mere mortal.

A self realization has dawned; that there are things that scare me and the reality that we all die.
I am not the sort who plays the victim or who likes to play on others’ emotions, so this post is not meant to envoke any sympathy from any of you out there.

I was reading FB earlier today and noticed a post by a friend who was in hospital having what I think is her breast removed. Yes, she has cancer.

And yes, so do I.

At first, I thought about contacting her and asking questions and telling her that it will all be ok. But to be honest it all feels a bit awkward.

One doesn’t want to pry.

So what does one do in a situation like this?
I suddenly realized that she is probably not too different from me.

She is a strong woman too, and would not like people feeling sorry for her or hear the quiet whispers behind her back about her illness. But just like me, she probably needs a little strength and a little help in getting through it emotionally. A reminder that we are not alone and that we don’t have to hide what we are going through.
I try to be strong for my partner, knowing he has suffered much loss in his life, and I do not want to be remembered as a loss to him. Bringing a tear to his eyes when he remembers me, should the worst happen.

Or him having to call on all his strength to continue without those close and dear to him. Those he doesn’t miss for a second in the day. I know I am being very arrogant in the assumption I will have a place in his heart should I pass on.
And then my mind arrays many thoughts about where I fit into his life and should I leave quietly or perhaps end it all quietly as I don’t like to cause pain. Especially pain that may be felt for a long time.

And the realization that I am being very arrogant in my thoughts. The reality being that I am a mere girlfriend who has no place in this mans life other than the today.
So I am shaken back to reality. The reality that just like others out there that it is our own fight.  We cannot burden those around us.  We cannot envoke sympathy.

We cannot play the victim.

We cannot make those around us feel any guilt about the part they play in our lives.
All we can do is smile.  We pretend we are ok.  We put on our shield each morning, look outside and notice the beautiful sunrise, fill our days ignoring the weakness within us, and then noticing the beautiful sunsets.
Remember that we are blessed with each breath we take and need to be grateful for the time we spend with those we love.  As without love, life is not worth living.  A reminder that I have a pretty awesome life and the love I have for this man and the love I get in return makes every second I live worth every breath.
So, refocusing on the positive; I want to live forever!

Be damned if I can’t, but before I pass, I will live a life worth living.

I will see and do things that most others can only dream of, because I am blessed in many ways.

I am thankful to those around me who make my life worth living and fighting for.
I will be contacting my friend and asking her about her path as whether she realizes it or not, she needs people like me by her side as a reminder that there is no shame in being weak.  We need to stand up and rise and put on our big girl panties and the brightest red lipstick we can find and live a life worth living.

No sympathy required!